I didn’t become a mom for some of the more traditional reasons that I think of about why women want to become moms. I was never the woman that dreamed about getting married and having kids. That's not to say that I didn’t want it, more so that I was indifferent to it all. If it happened, I'd be happy, but if it didn’t, I’d also be happy.
I never saw a baby and felt my ovaries aching for one of my own! I assumed that at some point in time, as I got older that my biological time clock would start ticking and I’d want nothing more than a baby…but the alarm never went off. In fact, I always thought I was missing a feminine gene because as I got older, the yearning for a child never increased. I thought babies were cute and I wanted to hold them and loved every single baby that a friend or family member had but I’ve never had baby fever or been that person that wanted to get my hands on any and every baby that I came into contact with, nor did I envy people that had families and I never felt as if there was something missing from my life when I didn’t have a child.
Call it selfish, but I saw having a baby as being a lot of work. Having a baby meant giving up "stuff" to me and I associated motherhood with becoming uncool. Having a baby meant no more fun nights out, saying goodbye to sleeping in on the weekends, and giving up spontaneity and freedom. In addition to the work, having a baby was absolutely frightening to me and even before I had my daughter, Sydney, I would run through the different ways in my head that I was sure to mess up a child’s life rather than enrich it. Becoming a parent is a huge responsibility and the most permanent decision that a person can make. Part of this stems from the fact that I didn’t have the best relationship with my own parents and didn’t really come from a very nurturing home and I always had the thought in the back of my head that it would be very hard to raise a child in an ideal way if I never really had a good example to draw from.
So why did I become a mom? Sure, my husband wanted children, but that’s not why I became a mom. I became a mom because I knew I would be good at it. Not naturally good at it; trust me, I’m not bragging. I am in no way shape or form a natural at being a mom. I’m impatient, I get overwhelmed, I get frustrated very easily and I’m constantly second-guessing every decision that I make. I knew that I would be a good mom because the doubts I had about having children in the first place would drive me to be a good mom. I knew that if I brought a child into this World, I would want to give them everything that I didn’t have in terms of love, support and nurturing and that I would do everything in my power to make sure that my child didn’t necessarily get everything they wanted but always had everything that they needed.
I am not a perfect mom and if I am a good mom, it’s because I work my butt off to be one. While I do get frustrated, I try my very best to make sure that my child doesn’t pick up on those frustrations. I’m still impatient but there is nothing like a baby or toddler to teach you to have more patience! I still feel overwhelmed most days, but my desire to be a good mom always lead me to prioritize my daughter and her needs before anything else and really think about what’s important in life and what’s not.
So in the end, I became a mom so that I could give my little one all the love that I have to give but in the process, being a mom has made me a better person in every way possible. It has made me more patient and it has made me more compassionate. It has made me slow down and enjoy life more. It has made me see joy in small things that I used to take for granted and it has taught me to be present. That’s not to say that it’s all roses. I still constantly doubt whether or not I’m doing the right things for my daughter and from time to time, I ask myself what in the World I’ve gotten myself into? Being a mom is hard and I don’t enjoy every single minute of being a mother. As much as I love my daughter and can’t imagine a life without her, I often miss the freedom of my pre parenting days. I am human and I am flawed and I will make mistakes, but there is one thing that I am sure of and that is that I will NEVER stop giving 100% at being the best mom that I can be.